


And Quite a Story to Tell

by Sour_Idealist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-30
Updated: 2011-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sour_Idealist/pseuds/Sour_Idealist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a nearby factory accident and some broken machinery causes life to become very uncomfortable indeed. Also, the wrong offers are made for the right reasons, several misunderstandings are cleared up, and Dave Strider is temporarily displaced due to lack of earplugs. Also, there are explosions. [Set several years post-game.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Quite a Story to Tell

gardenGnostic [GG] opened memo on linear timeline board Notes On the Metaphorical Fridge.

GG: okay everyone we have a problem!!!  
GG: the air filtration system i set up in the mansion isnt working anymore :(  
CA: wwho the fuck cares  
GG: well breathing is nice!!! we don’t all have gills you know >:(  
GG: and you cant stay underwater all the time  
TG: fuck off eridan  
TG: but jade i dont know if you noticed  
TG: were still breathing  
EB: yeah, why do we even need that thing?  
TT: It’s a safeguard.  
TT: You recall the incident with the coal pollution earlier this year?  
TT: We would have had a much more difficult time without Jade’s clever system in place.  
GG: thanks rose!!!  
GG: but it isnt that clever i guess  
GG: im trying to figure out what happened but i think we might need new parts for it  
GG: but i’ll fix it as fast as i can!!!!  
GA: I Am Sure You Will  
GA: But There Is No Need To Rush Too Much  
GA: The Air Is Fine At Present And Will Likely Remain So  
TG: now youve done it

\--------

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on linear timeline board Notes On the Metaphorical Fridge.

TT: Everyone, I have news regarding the explosion earlier.  
TT: It seems we may owe Eridan an apology. He had nothing to do with it.  
CA: i glubbin told you  
GA: You Must Admit It Was A Safe Bet  
CA: fuck  
caligulasAquarium has signed out.  
GA: Oh Dear  
TT: I really don’t care about upsetting him on that topic.  
TT: However, back to the matter at hand.  
TT: There has evidently been some damage to the airborne-waste treatment pipes of the factory down the block.  
TG: so  
CG: SHE’S GETTING TO THAT, DIPSHIT.  
TT: That is not helpful, Karkat.  
TT: None of the chemicals being released are, technically speaking, harmful, so fixing it is a relatively low priority.  
TT: Unfortunately, one of them does function as a fairly strong aphrodisiac to certain species, which are quite likely to include present company.  
TG: are you fucking kidding me  
EB: wait, what does that mean?  
TG: an aphrodisiac is a thing that turns you on like fuck  
TG: so were all gonna be walking around hard as a fucking rock all the time  
TG: those of us who have dicks anyway  
TT: Thank you for that delightfully graphic explanation, Dave.  
TT: Although it is fairly accurate.  
TT: All of us are most likely to be artificially aroused.  
TT: We’ll probably begin feeling the effects within the next few hours.  
EB: ……………………  
CT: D - - > Fiddlesticks.  
TG: when the fuck did you get here  
CT: D - - > Just now.  
CT: D -- > This will be difficult.  
TT: And probably rather less pleasant than one would think.  
TT: Everyone, please behave responsibly.  
TT: Do nothing that you will regret when this wears off.  
TT: Do not take advantage of the situation, either.  
TT: This means you, Eridan, if you’ve signed back in yet.  
CA: oh for mother glubbin fucks glubbing sake  
GA: You Cannot Possibly Protest That That Was An Unjust Accusation  
CA: come on kan  
CA: cant catch a fuckin break for five minutes  
GA: I Wonder Why  
GA: Certainly We Have No Reason To Believe Less Than The Best Of You  
CA: okay whatever  
EB: okay, back on topic!  
EB: so nobody do anything with anyone that you’re not already in a relationship with!  
EB: or filling a quadrant with!  
EB: this is an order as your friendleader!  
CG: COSIGNED.  
CG: AND DON’T START ANY NEW RELATIONSHIPS EITHER, FUCKWITS.  
CG: UNLESS YOU’RE REALLY, REALLY CERTAIN.  
CG: ANYONE WHO ASKS ME HOW TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING AFTER THE SEX POLLUTION GOES AWAY IS GETTING A PREEMPTIVE ORDER TO FUCK RIGHT OFF.  
TT: Yes, thank you, Karkat, I believe that we have all grasped the point.  
GA: Although His Advice Is Sound  
GG: so um!!!  
GG: do we know what caused this explosion?!?!  
TT: Hello, Jade.  
TT: Evidently an unidentified airborne object struck a particularly complicated bit of piping, cracking it, and somehow ignited some of the escaping gas.  
TT: I’m not clear on the details.  
CT: D - - > Was it by any chance a circular metal container about a foot across  
CT: D -- > Propelled by rocketry and theoretically possible to steer by remote control  
GG: equius!!!!  
CT: D - - > But somewhat difficult to maneuver in practice  
GG: stop talking!!!!!  
TG: ………........  
TT: Equius, do you by any chance know something you would like to share with the rest of us?  
CT: D -- > Er  
CT: D --> I have just been instructed to stop talking  
GA: I Suggest You Do That  
GA: In The Name Of Plausible Deniability  
CG: YOU TWO ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE ROOF ANYMORE.  
EB: will that help?  
GG: well……..  
GG: we were flying it from the roof so :(  
GG: but we were being careful!!!!!  
CG: CLEARLY NOT CAREFUL ENOUGH.  
CG: STAY OFF THE ROOF.  
CG: ALSO NO MORE ROCKETS.  
EB: cosigned!  
EB: at least to the rockets.  
EB: we’ll have to discuss the roof thing but go with it for now.  
GG: :p  
GG: fine  
CT: D -- > We will comply with this restriction.  
CT: D -- > And the restrictions on quadrants  
TG: big sacrifice  
TG: aradias banging the shit out of you all the time  
CT: D -- > Please refrain from such 100d remarks about my matespirit  
TG: whatever whatever  
GG: can it okay guys!!!!!!  
GG: but yeah we’ll stay off the roof  
GG: D:  
TT: Excellent.  
TT: Hopefully we can all get through this inconvenience without anything else dramatic happening.

\--------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [TG] at 15:23

TG: hey harley  
GG: hey coolkid!!!!!!  
GG: hows it going?!  
TG: decent i guess  
TG: what about you  
GG: still working on the filtration system  
TG: still not running  
GG: no :(  
GG: im sorry  
TG: oh yeah it is totally your fault you cant pull parts out of that cute little ass  
TG: fuck  
TG: pretend that last phrase didnt happen  
TG: didnt mean to say it  
GG: hee its okay!!!  
GG: its so weird the way this stuff makes you look at things  
GG: the other day i realized i was checking out equius  
GG: so awkward!!!!  
TG: ha thats great  
TG: kinda figured you would be anyway though  
GG: dave!!!! no!!!!  
GG: hes very nice but not my type  
GG: and also aradia would be really sad and nepeta would be really angry  
GG: and just..........  
GG: no  
GG: so weird!!!!!  
TG: okay okay  
TG: point made  
TG: so this whole thing is distracting for you too  
GG: well of course!!!!!!!!  
GG: it is really starting to piss me off >:[  
GG: i need to be able to focus on the damn filtration system  
GG: and its tricky!!!!! suddenly thinking about sex instead of gears is not helpful  
GG: and also i feel like if im spending this much time being turned on and staring at gears then im going to imprint or something :/  
TG: haha yeah  
TG: i feel you  
TG: hang up some pinup posters or something  
TG: so its like something normal is making you horny  
TG: wow this is a weird conversation  
GG: haha yeah!!!!  
GG: does this count as ironic? ;)  
GG: but the thing is i dont want to make it any harder to focus and i dont want to end up just sitting there drooling  
TG: yeah  
TG: seriously i am just going to go kick some managers ass or something  
TG: fix your fucking factory  
GG: heehee i’ll help!!!!  
GG: although i guess i dont really have the right to be mad since its sort of my fault :(  
GG: but its just so frustrating  
GG: i cant even sit comfortably or anything!!!!! >:[  
TG: oh god you too  
TG: same  
GG: yeah!!!!!!!!  
GG: ill just be halfway through replacing a circuit and then suddenly i realize im like humping my own leg  
TG: ................................  
GG: oh oops  
GG: sorry  
GG: too much information :(  
TG: yeah a little  
TG: uh  
TG: its really that bad?  
GG: well..................  
GG: it is a filtration system dave  
GG: and im working right next to the intake  
GG: and i have to turn it on a lot to try and work out whats going on  
TG: oh  
TG: okay i see  
GG: yeah :/  
GG: so yes its really that bad  
GG: dave?  
TG: oh sorry i was just thinking  
TG: uh  
TG: like  
TG: if you want i could  
TG: give you a hand with that  
GG: what the filtration system?  
GG: um thank you but i dont think you know much about mechanics really so!!!!  
TG: no the uh  
TG: other thing  
GG: what???  
GG: oh  
TG: yeah  
TG: hand mouth whatever  
TG: full set of anatomy at your disposal  
TG: it doesnt have to be a big deal or anything  
TG: just you know to make it easier to focus afterwards maybe  
TG: i guess  
TG: if you want  
GG: um......................  
GG: well  
GG: dave  
GG: i appreciate the offer  
GG: but i dont really want to have sex with you just because its convenient!!!!  
GG: like i get that you just meant to be nice  
GG: but i am not a sex toy  
GG: and you arent either  
GG: and there is nothing wrong with casual sex but its not like were strangers  
GG: and if i am going to have sex with you then i would really prefer that it was for more of a reason than that were both horny and were there!!!!!!  
GG: like say that we actually liked each other like that  
TG: shit  
TG: look  
GG: no dave its okay i am not mad  
GG: like i said i know you just wanted to help  
GG: but i just  
GG: i have actually thought about this a lot since this started happening  
TG: wait thought about this meaning what exactly  
TG: like just taking the edge off with one of us  
TG: or like  
TG: me  
GG: well :/  
GG: that is a really awkward question  
GG: i knew there was a pretty good chance that you would help me out if i went to you  
GG: but i decided even before this that i didnt want to ruin things  
GG: and that i would want it to mean something  
GG: if it happened  
GG: and i knew it wouldnt mean anything for you so  
TG: what back up here  
TG: do you mean that it would mean something for you  
GG: .................  
GG: um  
GG: well :/  
TG: jade  
GG: its okay though i know you dont feel the same way  
GG: and i know you were only trying to help!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: and i am sorry but i think i need to end this conversation now before i say anything |else| that i will regret saying!!!  
GG: so i will talk to you later  
TG: jade wait

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic[GG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic[GG]

TG: dont sign off  
TG: fuck fuck fuck  
TG: why do i ever talk

\--------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 19:46

TG: so  
TG: hey  
GG: hey!!!!!  
GG: whats up???  
TG: not much  
TG: just the usual i guess  
TG: hiding out in kanayas room  
GG: why????  
TG: because its her fault i cant stay in mine  
GG: why cant you stay in yours???  
TG: jade do you remember where my room is  
GG: oh!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: yeah............  
GG: that might be a little awkward!!!!!!  
TG: you are so lucky not to know anything about your brothers sex life  
TG: i swear to god  
GG: hee yeah i am pretty glad about that!  
GG: so  
GG: yeah  
TG: yeah  
TG: so uh about earlier  
GG: dave i really do not want to talk about that!!! :/  
GG: cant we just talk like normal???  
TG: sure  
TG: definitely  
TG: normal as tripping over somebodys shit in in the dark every goddamn night  
GG: oooh very cool dave!!!! ;)  
TG: did i say i was the one tripping on shit  
TG: no  
TG: maybe i can hear vantas losing his shit over whatever spiderbitch left lying around  
TG: huh  
GG: hee if you say so!!!  
TG: but uh yeah anyway  
TG: i actually wanted to show you something  
GG: oooo what????  
TG: its a song  
GG: :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D  
TG: hey hey hey dont get too excited  
TG: its just a song  
GG: exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TG: okay whatever  
TG: one sec lemme find the right version  
TG: okay here we go

turntechGodhead [TG] sent gardenGnostic [GG] file “js-34-renderfuckyou.mp3”

TG: sorry bout the file name  
TG: whatever upgrade sollux did means i cant change it without scrabbling everything  
TG: so yeah  
TG: are you listening to it  
GG: yes!!!  
GG: dave  
GG: this is really beautiful  
GG: i mean |really|  
TG: aw shit Harley youre gonna make me blush  
TG: but uh  
TG: yeah  
GG: it sounds like it was really tricky to make too!!!!  
TG: eh  
TG: been working on it for a while  
GG: how long??  
TG: three or four months i guess  
GG: oh wow  
TG: maybe idk  
TG: i wanted to get it right  
TG: dont quite have it yet but i  
TG: thought it would be good to show it to you today  
GG: im really glad you did :D  
GG: i love it!!!!!!!!!  
TG: good  
TG: :)  
GG: so does it have a name???  
TG: yeah i guess  
TG: been having some trouble with that actually  
TG: tried a bunch of different ones  
TG: i think i sort of accidentally named it anyway  
TG: which what the fuck even  
TG: but yeah that happened  
TG: so i should probably go with that  
GG: okay so come on what is it???  
TG: Jade  
GG: yeah im here  
GG: did i say something wrong?  
TG: no  
TG: no you didnt say anything wrong  
TG: and no im not just saying your name  
TG: like  
TG: thats what the name of the song is  
TG: its “Jade”  
GG: wait  
GG: like  
GG: me????  
TG: no its an ode to a kind of rock  
GG: oh  
GG: :/  
TG: jesus christ Harley  
GG: i dont think i like this conversation mister!!!!!  
GG: i cant tell which parts of this conversation are you being ironic and which aren’t  
GG: you dont usually joke like this!!!!!  
GG: why are you doing it now?!?!?!  
TG: fucking hell jade im not joking  
TG: the thing about the rock was sarcasm  
TG: thats it  
TG: congratulations its some fucking sincerity for once  
TG: didnt even have to get me drunk for it  
TG: because apparently im secretly a total idiot  
GG: okay stop that!!!!!  
GG: thank you dave  
TG: for what  
GG: um  
GG: everything  
GG: for telling me the truth  
GG: for the song  
GG: just  
GG: did you really write this for me????  
TG: jesus fuck harley take a goddamned hint  
TG: duh  
GG: what if i just want to hear you say it???  
TG: then typing it would do jack shit wouldnt it  
GG: okay so ill come talk to you then!!!!  
GG: also i kind of want to thank you in person  
TG: oh for fucks sake you dont need to thank me  
GG: maybe i want to!!!!  
GG: i really love the song dave  
GG: like i really really do  
GG: i would anyway but if it’s really about me then  
GG: wow!!!!!!!  
GG: okay now im headed upstairs to find you  
TG: kay great  
TG: uh  
TG: you know everyone is going to assume were banging right  
GG: dave  
GG: i do not give a fuck what any of them think right now  
GG: besides  
GG: since  
GG: i mean i assume this means you dont think of me as just a friend after all  
TG: no shit  
TG: i mean yeah i totally spend months writing love songs for all my regular bros here  
GG: o_O!!!!  
GG: okay so ill be there in a second  
GG: <3

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

\--------

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:26

GA: Dave  
GA: I Cannot Believe I Am About To Ask This  
GA: But  
GA: With Apologies If I Am Incorrect  
GA: Did You Have Sex In My Bed Last Night  
TG: fuck off  
TG: you were banging my sister through the wall and telling the whole street about it  
GA: Yes But Dammit There Is A Roof  
GA: There Are A Number Of Alleyways  
GA: You Have Options Besides Someone Elses Bed  
GA: Is The Point  
TG: well you had options besides right next to my bedroom  
GA: My Girlfriends Bedroom Is A Perfectly Acceptable Place To Have Sex  
GA: Dear God Why Is This A Conversation I Am Having  
TG: dont ask me you started it  
TG: besides it was her idea

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:32

GG: gee thanks for throwing me under the bus!!!!!  
GG: so chivalrous dave!!! :p  
TG: sorry  
TG: but rose will call her girlfriend off for you so  
GG: hee  
GG: fair enough  
GG: okay so i have to go pick up the damn extra parts!!!!!  
TG: score excellent  
TG: can you carry them  
GG: theyre the size of a dinner plate dave!!  
GG: and theres only three of them  
TG: oh okay then  
GG: so anyway ill be back after lunch  
GG: love you!!!!  
TG: same  
GG: oh same real romantic there dave ;)  
TG: hey i fucking serenaded you okay  
TG: thats romantic as shit  
GG: sure whatever romeo  
GG: soooooo romantic :p  
TG: no way romeo was a dick  
TG: only even met juliet cause he was stalking some other chick  
TG: and then he was like welp no shes hotter  
GG: really?!?! well not romeo then!!!  
TG: yup really  
TG: but anyway fine whatever  
TG: <3  
TG: if its such a big deal  
GG: oooo i feel doubly special now!!! ;)  
TG: good  
TG: so yeah  
GG: <3  
GG: see you later!!!!


End file.
